I have been riding the bus to and from work for about 4 years now. As you can imagine it has given me an opportunity to experience other people in a way my life's routines would never allow. Sharing the morning commute with others allows you to be a part of the beginning of their days, and the evening commute, a shared relief. We are often in close quarters. Mostly we do not speak with each other, but looks are exchanged--an occasional nicety here and there. There is a sense we are all in it (this lovely grind) together.
The overwhelming majority of my 4 years of public transportation experience has been positive. Except. There is one older guy--on my commute home--for the last almost two years--who has been a catalyst for me. He brought out disdain, disgust, annoyance--you name the negative emotion, and I probably have felt it in this man's presence. Loud, obnoxious, self destructive, he was a person I avoided at every turn. And if you sat anywhere close to him, you became a target for his one-sided conversation.
Ah, but when you are a seeker and striving to love unconditionally, you must take a look at these opportunites that come into your life. The light bulb over my head was certainly one of those coiled eco-friendly numbers that do not immediately pop on. Mr. Windbag was a gift for me. I began to look at why it was he made me so angry. His selfishness (he spoke very loud interrupting anyone trying to read or listen to music), brashness, critical nature (he liked to point out physical flaws in others), obvious self loathing--he is a self-proclaimed chain-smoking alcoholic--all made him a package I wanted to trash-can.
I observed his progression from getting around ok, to using a cane, to slowing down incredibly due to physical impediments--arthritis I think. There was less wind in his sails--less bite to his bark and I let myself feel a small amount of compassion and sent him my love and caring. It was a baby step.
Last week Mr. W was there waiting at his usual stop, but moving very slowly. He was subdued and battered, a gash on his forehead--several teeth missing. But clean shaven. The floodgates opened, and I felt bad about my cumulative negative feelings about this tattered soul, and wished I could help him in some small way. Easy to be compassionate when the object is pitiful, right? Not so easy when the object is powerful and arrogant!
Tuesday, the bus stopped at his regular pick up place. There was Mr. W--sitting on a bench trying to get himself up to get to the bus. He couldn't. The bus sat--we all looked out at him struggling. Light bulb again. AS this was apparently my moment to be of service, I went out to help him. As he struggled to stand he dropped his pint of vodka, and stooping to grab it he started to fall--he was plastered. I grabbed him, and his vodka (how about these plastic bottles) and helped his slow progress to the bus, and to a seat. I handed him his pint. He spent the next 10 minutes trying to put it in his pocket. Another man offered to help, and he barked at the guy.
We exited at the same stop so my heart was in my throat knowing I would again offer help even if he didn't want it. It took him a long time to get up and out of the bus--while the other passengers waited to get on. I walked with him very slowly until he got his bearings and asked him if he was ok. "Yep"--he barked, still proud, still struggling to be someone of value. As I walked away he said "I'll see you in my dreams."
I spent alot of time separating myself from this man and his ugly behavior. I recoiled when I saw his nasty habits. Perhaps I saw the potential in myself for that kind of life. They say when we react negatively to other people we are often reacting to our own shortcomings and fears--looking into the mirror that other people provide for us. That is something to look for and be aware of as we go about our days.
In order to deal lovingly with the dark side of others, we must see and accept our own--and that is difficult!
Q'uo says: One's relation to one's dark side should be one of gratitude and love, for the dark side is that which strengthens and enables the light side. Each experience of the dark side of self is that which burns away pride and egotism. It is well when one sees that side of self which has those vices and sins, if you will, in abundance, not to turn away but rather to embrace, to love, to accept and to forgive that part of self for being.
I wonder how much longer I will encounter Mr. W on the ride home? Anyway, my gratitude goes out to a most unlikely angel.
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